Finally Getting Some Answers

Shortly after we returned home from Gatlinburg, the fevers, night sweats, leg itching, fatigue and everything returned.

“God, I thought Brandon was better? I thought we were done with sickness?” I prayed. I didn’t understand how he was better for our trip, for a few weeks only to have everything come back with what seemed like a vengeance.

I still kept faith that God was working in and through the sickness. Looking back, and probably a little bit during this time (even though it wasn’t a forethought), I knew God was using this season for something, to teach me something, to help me or Brandon grow in our Christlikeness, possibly to bring someone else to salvation in Christ.

Did I come to that thought process on my own?

No.

I was meeting with a biblical counselor before and during this time; and still meet with her today - however I’m glad to say she has grown to be a friend and still helps guide me and direct me back to God’s word when I’m doubting myself or struggling with my flesh. She has been a Godsend, literally. I don’t think I would have made it through this season without her. God knew I needed her at that time, but more on that later.

Back to Brandon: I got Brandon to finally agree to seeing our primary care doctor about all of his symptoms. Maybe he had some rare flu or COVID strain or something off the wall that could be treated, or at least maybe get a prescription to help ease his symptoms.

Before our third trip to the doctor, Brandon was on the phone with his mom. During the conversation, she mentioned his grandpa had Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. We gave this information to the doctor and I immediately saw his body language change. From loose and “let’s get this figured out” to rigid and tense. He shifted his weight and crossed his arms. Then the words you never want to hear “I’m going to refer you to a hematologist/oncologist” along with some reassurances that “it’s probably nothing but they know more than I do” type thing.

Of course, me working in the medical field, I know that a doctor isn’t going to make promises or guarantees but I had a feeling in the back of my mind that he knew what the hematologist/oncologist was going to find. I wish I could say I immediately started praying. “Lord, this can’t be the path. There’s no way that the love of my life has cancer, is it?” But, my head went into panic mode. Flashbacks to my dad being in the hospital with stage 4 lung cancer and taking care of him before he passed away raced through my mind.

Worry…. Anxiety.… Fear.… Sadness....

We left the doctor’s office in silence. It wasn’t until we got to the car that either of us said anything.

Side Note: One thing you should know about Brandon, is that he is very technologically inclined. Since the release of ChatGPT, he has been using it for all. the. things... Of course, what does he do? Types all of his symptoms into ChatGPT and tells me “I probably have some type of lymphoma, more than likely it’s Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.” I paused. I looked at him, and said “You don’t know that babe, let’s just see what the oncologist has to say, and go to the Lord about it.”

Before I continue, I should say that while my hubs and I were both walking with the Lord, it wasn’t necessarily at the top of his priority list. We went to church but that was about the only Jesus time (outside of private prayer) that Brandon had.

The initial oncologist ordered a PET scan, and some lab work. I was meeting with my counselor at Panera, when I got a phone call from Brandon. I answered it and my whole world flipped upside down. Brandon had received his imaging results on his medical portal. He said “I likely have cancer.”

I paused. Did I hear him correctly? Cancer? That can't be right, I thought.

Just because the radiologist thought it might be cancerous, doesn’t mean it was. We had to wait for the oncologist to confirm or hopefully deny what the radiologist found.

We don’t even get to the office visit, the oncologist calls Brandon. They tell Brandon he has Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, and that the imaging from the PET scan revealed that his disease was too extensive for her to feel comfortable treating him. She referred us to a more specialized oncologist. My thoughts and the "What ifs?" started to run rampant in my brain.

Our world stopped. What was happening? Why would God give my person cancer? It was tough, trying, and an emotional roller coaster. Before chemo treatments started, the oncologist told us that we should consider freezing sperm if we wanted a family later on because he couldn’t guarantee that we would be able to have kiddos after chemo. Mind you, this was a Thursday and Brandon was scheduled to start chemo on Monday. My heart sank. At this point, I had wanted kids for a few years, while my husband wasn’t quite ready. There went my hope for a family.

BUT I trusted in God’s plan, and my focus was on helping my husband through this season (I know… a “Christianese” word that gets thrown around a lot).

"Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13 NASB

In Christ, Taylor